Nature

I offended some people last night. I never want to do things like that, but I do. From time to time, someone comes to me and calls me on the carpet cause I was so 'angry' about something. I've had this same facial expression for the last (I have no idea how many) years. It's a look that I do from time to time when I'm confused. But almost always, it's interpreted as an angry look. Even people I know--who've experienced the look time and time again--misinterpret the look regularly.

So here's the funny part: I am who I am. I'm not an angry person. I think people know that, and therefore: why do they assume that I'm angry. But as a human, I have to realize that I'm obviously not seen that way. Obviously, people see me as a person who gets angry really easily: otherwise, they wouldn't respond to me like that.

It got me thinking about nature. Not leaves and camping kind of nature, but nature as in the nature of God. Cause while I was thinking about what I see as my own nature, and how I'm obviously not the way I THINK I am, I realized that we make assumptions about God as well. God is the way He is, and that's just that. He loves, He cares, He creates, He heals, He's fair, and on and on...

And the funny thing is that I can rely on those things. it doesn't matter if on Tuesday it feels like God doesn't care about me... I need to not jump to conclusions; instead, I should rely on what I know about God... rely on what I KNOW to be His nature. Rely might be the wrong word: rest might be better. I can rest in that knowledge. Rest brings peace. Peace is glorious.

So next time I give you a dirty look, please assume that I'm just confused and not ticked off.

USA

It's deep in the AM of Memorial Day. This morning, our church had vets stand up, and I was looking around, noticing how many teens I simply know won't ever consider serving in the military. That's cool. Every generation has those kinds, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, it just is.

But I'm tired of America right now. People here are too spoiled. People here have it too easy. We've never been occupied (militarily). We've never had to watch our neighbors get bombed, or pull a sibling out of wreckage. Of course, some have... some have pulled siblings from car accidents or drunken fights or drug overdoses, but so few of us have struggled with meaningless violence. I don't wish that on us, but I kind of wish we had some of that... it'd help us really fast get our priorities a little more straightened out.

We THINK we live in this horrible country that is sooooooo dangerous, and everyone's just out to get us, but we don't. We're spoiled.

We THINK that around every corner lies a possible sickness but they aren't there. We could probably never touch bottled water again in our lives, and our immune systems would probably just get stronger.

I talked with an ex-missionary the other day. He told me how his wife is retiring from the college she teaches at because she got spoiled by teaching young Africans who were so eager to learn. Spoiled in another sense, of course, than the way I used the word up above; spoiled in the sense that she experienced how it should be and is now experiencing the 'spoiled-ness' in the bad way: the way it's not meant to be.

She's retiring because the students at her current school are so self-indulgent. They feel so entitled. And don't we all, as Americans?? I mean, I had to sit through a drive-through tonight for 5 songs worth on my I-POD. 5 SONGS!! The last half of one, four straight, and the first half of another. How is that good service, and as I was griping about this, I realized how spoiled I am.

I'm just tired of it. Perhaps some calamity needs to strike. I hesitate to pray for it... God just might take me up on that. And then where would I be... my self-indulgent self would feel so assaulted by a 'cruel' God!! And all my non-believing friends would have a field day on me, asking "where's your God now??" And I'd have no answer except that He's still bring peace to my spirit. I'm frustrated with people, and able to sit here in peace, all the same.

I yearn for overseas again, sometimes.

I could blabber on longer, but what's the point?

I swear I'm not depressed... :) see, I smiled. :)

Whatever man...

really... whatever.

I just read a book called the Life of Pi. It was amazing. And then it was one of those that at the end it completely throws you and now I'm not sure if I still like it as much... but I do. But it twisted on me. And it turned way dark. I dislike that.

That's it... and life is just... whatever.

I Know

Here's another one... I think I wrote this one last week.

The only reason I say I think is cause I'm not sure it'll ever get sung anywhere... and if it's never sung, is it for real?? If a sermon is never preached, is it a sermon or a thought? If a song's never sung, is it a song?

But here's another melodic thought:

"I Know"

Well I’m looking down the avenue,
I don’t know what I want to do
With my life…

And I’m thinking bout the crazy stuff
Like bein smart and bein tough
In the public eye…

And I thought I had it all figured out…
I’d made the grade; I was in the crowd
But I fell short

And I realized as I cast my eyes
Upon the cross and it’s surprise
Of a risen Lord

And I don’t know what to do…
I don’t know where to go…
I don’t know who to trust all the time…

But I know You are faithful…
I know that You love me…
I know that I can trust You with my life.
I know that You died for me…
I know that You care for me…
I know I want to serve You, till I die.

I think I wrote a Song...

I've been trying to write a song forever... today, when I was up at the gorge praying and just sitting over the Columbia, words started... I think if I get to sing in church any time soon, I might try to get the courage up to sing this song I wrote...

Sitting Here.

D
Sitting Here,
G C D
Looking out over the river, the wind brings a tear
G C D
And I know you created me to be here
G C D
And I know that You’re willing to draw me near.

D A
I seek to know You
G D
To know You more and more and more I pray
A
I want Your presence
G A
To shine through me more everyday

Draw me, Lord
Draw me to Your side and protect me
Protect me from myself as I walk this weary road.
Protect me from the dark that seeks to steal my soul.

I seek to know You
To know You more and more I pray
I want Your presence
To shine through me more everyday

Protect me
Don’t baby me but grow me in Your way, Lord
Grow me as You’ve created me to be, Lord
Grow me to a reflection of You

I seek to know You
To know You more and more I pray
I want Your presence
To shine through me more everyday

Sitting Here,
Looking out over the river, the wind brings a tear
Knowing that you created me to be here
Knowing that You want to draw me near.

I Puked on Prom Night.

That's right, laugh away... but I was nervous for some reason. Some stuff in life's kind of daunting... for me, prom was one of those things. I don't really know why, but I puked the night before I went to boot camp, too. Again, don't know why... I was a little nervous, and had no clue what was in store for me, and up it came.

What's the hardest thing you've had to do?? When I was in boot camp, we had to do push ups until our arms gave out. Lifters know what this is: push until you hit muscle failure. (Nothing really difficult happened at prom except I tried to dance...)

When I played sports, we often had to run. Wrestling practice made us run up and down a flight of stairs in the basement of our school. We went till we could go no more.

School made me study. I hate reading intellectual books. For some reason, I love to read, and love to think, but to read some drab version of a living thought drives me nuts... but I have to if I want to pass the class. Sometimes in school, we'd reach a point in the semester where everything crashed together: 3 papers due in a week, plus a speech, plus a band performance, plus a date, plus all my classes, plus soccer practice, plus chapel, plus a test or two. Sometimes it got chaotically busy. But what do we expect, I mean, really, I didn't go over there to be coddled. I didn't go so that they'd tell me how great I was without forcing me to work to get better.

The same goes for boot camp: I didn't walk in, hoping they'd see that I was ready for the military and let me out of training for it. Nope, I knew walking in that they'd push me to become better in weak areas.

My mind went on this little jaunt this morning as I drove back from the gorge where I'd been reading, praying, and fasting. I stopped eating yesterday at lunch time, and will eat again tonight at dinner. As I was driving back in, I was thinking about how much I wanted some noodles or a burger or some greasy fries. I fought in my mine, justifying how I hadn't really committed to go till dinner, and how 24 hours is equally good... you know, 'I got some good praying in.'

But I'd planned to go till dinner.

If I bail, I fall prey to a myth so many of us buy into: that Christianity is somehow supposed to be easy. That somehow, it's supposed to be nicely presented, and neatly packaged so that I might easily swallow it whole. That somehow, while I acknowledge and embrace that hard work is needed for success in other areas, perhaps spirituality and my quest after God's heart is exempt from this principle.

It's not. You want to know God? Prepare to struggle. But also prepare for a life of wonder and exploration and discovery!! Prepare for times where it feels like you've been abandoned, and prepare for times when you can't believe how God worked on your behalf: how much He truly loves you.

Dichotomy

...is a cool word. So much packed in there. Negative undertones; lofty intellectual overtones. Confusion: half of you don't know what this word means... the other half rarely use it appropriately.

Actually, it can refer to the time of month when the moon is half-lit by the sun—a half-moon: that can be called dichotomy. Or, when a plant's branch splits into two new branches: that can be called dichotomy. But the most common use refers to two vastly differing views on a topic. For example: Coffee: Many people see coffee as the nectar of life; others see it as a drug people use to self-medicate. Haha... huge exaggerations, I know, but you get the idea, right?

So what happens when we have such diversity (dichotomy) in beliefs and neither is appropriate??

In doctrinal arguments, we all vehemently defend what we believe and why... but what if it's not right?? What if the only reason we take such a stance is that the "other side" has taken an opposing stance, and we just can't stand being near that position, so we pull away?? Or what if BOTH sides are right… in a way… sometimes??

For example: I've been thinking about how we preach and preach about how people are supposed to be "In the world, but not of it..." but we also rant and rave about not "surrounding ourselves" with inappropriate relationships--if a friend is pulling you down, sometimes we need to break that relationship. Wow!! Can both be true?? So, I really need to NOT sequester myself away and be a monk or a hermit; at the same time, I really need to NOT put myself in some situations!! There's this balance between needing to protect my spirituality and being open and relating to others. What's the solution?? I don't know. But somehow we need to seek a balance point: if you find yourself with ONLY Christian friends, you're probably in a bad place... But if you find yourself really struggling with spirituality, you're probably in a very different but equally bad place.

Here's another example: a life of service. Scripture teaches a concept about 'death to self.' This idea that somehow one of the basic teachings is that as long as we're focused on our own desires and needs, then we'll miss a portion of what God wants for us... somehow, part of it has to do with serving others--often to the point that it impacts our own life. CS Lewis says that if you aren't giving enough money that it begins to hurt your own situation: or if you aren't giving enough that you need to go 'without' something, you might not be giving enough.

So should a Christian be a doormat?? (One extreme) No!! But at the same time, one cannot expect to grow spiritually if one only serves AFTER caring for one's own needs. (Another extreme)

At some point in time other people need to come first. I'm a pastor, and all the time—at pastor conferences and by well meaning people, I get told to make sure I'm taking care of myself—and as true as that is, (there is a time to look out for myself) there's also a time to give everything I have to others. Too many people in this world are always looking out for #1, and serving others as long as their own needs are met first. At some point in time, service (if done honestly and out of obedience) will begin to impact our own lives.

I have this sneaking suspicion that at very few points in Christianity will we find that a point is ABSOLUTELY so. Especially, when dealing with the extras we've thrown in there to make it something we can grasp with ease... It isn't a simple thing: if it were, I have a feeling it would have been made up. (Another CS Lewis-ism). There are a few things, of course, that we can rest on fully: God is merciful, God is just (fair), God loves you and me, God created us (somehow... just how, I don't know or care), Jesus was real, Jesus lived and died and rose, I can be right with God because of the nature of God and because of the life of Jesus. I can be sure of these things... I'm sure there are more that I can rest on fully, but that's a start... the funny thing is, though, that most of us are really aggressive about things that have must be balanced out, and while most of us might admit that a balance point exists, far too many have failed to seek it out.

This is long, so I'll quit. :) And my car (which is being serviced right now...) is almost done.

Out