wretch

This is just another one of those post-modern anti-judgment rants that lots of us are throwing out these days, but I got a little motivated this morning and started cleaning my apartment up since I'm sure I'll be moving soon--even if I stay in Portland, I need to find something a little cheaper--and I found this little paper. I have no clue when I wrote this down, but it was on a sheet with stuff from NYC, so it's safe to assume from there it came.

Some of us know the old hymn Amazing Grace:
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see...

and so on... and in those first few words, the word wretch leapt out at me!! Wretch!! And it occurred to me that two people and two alone have the right to call me a wretch. Myself and Jesus. Jesus does, but he does it in such a loving manner, and with such a bountiful offer of grace and mercy (a desire to help change that status) that it's OK.

Here's the thing: I don't get to call anyone else a wretch!! And no one else has the right to call me a wretch!! So quit it.

Manure

Hi Kids, welcome back to my thoughts!! :)

At camp a couple of weeks ago, the analogy was presented that the fruits of the spirit are grown in us not specifically for us, but for the world. As with many messages that week, the message didn't grab our group as much as the discussion enabled by the message did afterwards... In the discussion following that particular message, we talked a bit about the fruit, and had a funny little interlude where Jared mentioned that fruit grows bigger and better when manure is introduced into the equation!!

We joked about how in our lives it's also true: when the crap comes, that's often when we grow most quickly and best!! That's when we trust and rely on God more fully!!

I came home from camp with no idea that I'd be walking into a crappy situation a week later, but I did. For now, I won't really tell you anything about that, but it's stupid... and I've been thinking about that analogy from camp.

I've been realizing how easy it is to say to our friends: "just rely on the promises of God!!" and I've been asking my friends to pray that I'd be able to rely on those promises... God promises that He'll bring good out of any situation if we only trust in Him.

So I'm working on relaxing and trusting. And it sucks and it's hard.

And as I walk through this little valley of the shadow of crap, I realize...

Crap helps the fruit growing in us grow stronger and more tasty.

Crap makes everything around us smell so much sweeter.

So if you'd be so kind, say a little prayer for me: pray that the crap surrounding me helps me grow stronger and more faithful; pray that I'm able to fully trust God's promises; pray that the crap feeds me, and then goes away!!

Right??

love wins.

So my buddy Grant went to a church in Michigan called Mars Hill. There's another one in Seattle, but the one in Grand Rapids is the one I really like!! The pastor is Rob Bell... some of you know who he is. Some don't, and that's OK.

So they have this theme they've been going on: and they put out bumper stickers that say "love wins." That's it... lower case, black bumper sticker, white writing. So Grant picked one up for me, and sent it via mail. (This after we'd talked about both really liking that church and Rob Bell's messages that you can download from their website.)

So I put the thing on my car, and have been driving with it for the last several weeks. It's gotten me thinking about what it means to live like that. What's it mean that 'love wins.'??

So I was driving down Hawthorne tonight, and turned left onto 39th. I had a left turn signal, and this dood totally didn't stop to turn right. He had a red, and he just WENT!! So I flashed my lights at him as he cut me off. And I started thinking: is that loving?? Is it NOT loving?? What is it??

So what say you?? I'm honestly trying to figure out what it means to live in LOVE... like honestly, so many of us have no one in our lives that we can love like God wants us to love people... and the ones with whom we do come into contact are our waitresses and baristas, and how many of us are just jerks to them??

How many of us are jerks to people in our own lives... one of my biggest struggles is how I treat people who've been really close to me in the past and aren't so much now. I tend to close down towards them, and I TRY to be loving, but I suck at faking it. What's more loving?? To fake it and pretend to like them?? Or to be honest and let my feelings show??

So I really think that loving means living honest. I think faking it is so hypocritical. But honestly, if I choose to love, then I accept that I'll be uncomfortable sometimes... I acknowledge that sometimes I'll need to speak strongly to someone... sometimes I'll need to just take strong talk FROM someone.

And honestly, living in LOVE I think means just trying to always love. When you fail.... as I did the other day in a big way... ask forgiveness and try to make it right. Is that cheesy or what?? Am I turning into an old school cliche preacher?? I hope not... but that's where my thoughts have been.

(So yeah, I intentionally started almost every paragraph with a 'So') :)

crap.

I'm sick of it all.

I'm getting it from so many angles.

Master vs Father

We spent last week at Sr Hi Camp, doing the annual thing... my kids had a blast, but not cause of the traditional things: we didn't really jive with the band, and the speaker was great, but he had a distinctly different style than me, so my kids were having a hard time following things sometimes.

But the interesting thing was that all this allowed for us to have wonderful discussion times: after the speaker got done, we went off as a cabin or a youth group (depending on time of day) and talked about what he's launched!! It was really cool.

The theme we focused on Monday night--that followed us through the week--dealt with the concept of how we view God: Master or Father. In Jesus' day, he refers to God as Father often... But we often view God as Master. Funny thing is that it doesn't really matter how I VIEW Him, He is who He is. Just cause I have a distinct perception, does not change who He is and what He's about.

So rather than try to fit God into our box, we need to figure out who He really is and what He's really all about. Freedom comes when we see God appropriately--as a father figure: Today, not all fathers are good examples, many fail to love their children, and many abandon their families... as a result, many today might rebel against the idea of God as Father, and yet, that's the analogy given, so we may as well get used to it and figure out what it really stands for: We can contextualize what the Father analogy stands for... you lived with your father for the rest of your life in Jesus' day. You followed in your Father's career path unless you made it as a rabbi. There's more, but that's a decent start.

But we often view God as master... we seem to think that if we fail in some aspect of our 'duty' He's going to withhold something... The analogy I used last week had to do with my own dad: I called him the morning of Father's Day to ask him out for lunch, not cause I had to so that he'd buy me a Christmas present, but because I wanted to... Had I forgotten and remembered the next day, he would have laughed when I called, and wouldn't have cared... God's the same!! I don't live for God because I think somehow He's going to abandon me if I screw something up... I live for Him cause I want to Love Him Tangibly.

Rambling... Out.

Nature

I offended some people last night. I never want to do things like that, but I do. From time to time, someone comes to me and calls me on the carpet cause I was so 'angry' about something. I've had this same facial expression for the last (I have no idea how many) years. It's a look that I do from time to time when I'm confused. But almost always, it's interpreted as an angry look. Even people I know--who've experienced the look time and time again--misinterpret the look regularly.

So here's the funny part: I am who I am. I'm not an angry person. I think people know that, and therefore: why do they assume that I'm angry. But as a human, I have to realize that I'm obviously not seen that way. Obviously, people see me as a person who gets angry really easily: otherwise, they wouldn't respond to me like that.

It got me thinking about nature. Not leaves and camping kind of nature, but nature as in the nature of God. Cause while I was thinking about what I see as my own nature, and how I'm obviously not the way I THINK I am, I realized that we make assumptions about God as well. God is the way He is, and that's just that. He loves, He cares, He creates, He heals, He's fair, and on and on...

And the funny thing is that I can rely on those things. it doesn't matter if on Tuesday it feels like God doesn't care about me... I need to not jump to conclusions; instead, I should rely on what I know about God... rely on what I KNOW to be His nature. Rely might be the wrong word: rest might be better. I can rest in that knowledge. Rest brings peace. Peace is glorious.

So next time I give you a dirty look, please assume that I'm just confused and not ticked off.

USA

It's deep in the AM of Memorial Day. This morning, our church had vets stand up, and I was looking around, noticing how many teens I simply know won't ever consider serving in the military. That's cool. Every generation has those kinds, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, it just is.

But I'm tired of America right now. People here are too spoiled. People here have it too easy. We've never been occupied (militarily). We've never had to watch our neighbors get bombed, or pull a sibling out of wreckage. Of course, some have... some have pulled siblings from car accidents or drunken fights or drug overdoses, but so few of us have struggled with meaningless violence. I don't wish that on us, but I kind of wish we had some of that... it'd help us really fast get our priorities a little more straightened out.

We THINK we live in this horrible country that is sooooooo dangerous, and everyone's just out to get us, but we don't. We're spoiled.

We THINK that around every corner lies a possible sickness but they aren't there. We could probably never touch bottled water again in our lives, and our immune systems would probably just get stronger.

I talked with an ex-missionary the other day. He told me how his wife is retiring from the college she teaches at because she got spoiled by teaching young Africans who were so eager to learn. Spoiled in another sense, of course, than the way I used the word up above; spoiled in the sense that she experienced how it should be and is now experiencing the 'spoiled-ness' in the bad way: the way it's not meant to be.

She's retiring because the students at her current school are so self-indulgent. They feel so entitled. And don't we all, as Americans?? I mean, I had to sit through a drive-through tonight for 5 songs worth on my I-POD. 5 SONGS!! The last half of one, four straight, and the first half of another. How is that good service, and as I was griping about this, I realized how spoiled I am.

I'm just tired of it. Perhaps some calamity needs to strike. I hesitate to pray for it... God just might take me up on that. And then where would I be... my self-indulgent self would feel so assaulted by a 'cruel' God!! And all my non-believing friends would have a field day on me, asking "where's your God now??" And I'd have no answer except that He's still bring peace to my spirit. I'm frustrated with people, and able to sit here in peace, all the same.

I yearn for overseas again, sometimes.

I could blabber on longer, but what's the point?

I swear I'm not depressed... :) see, I smiled. :)

Whatever man...

really... whatever.

I just read a book called the Life of Pi. It was amazing. And then it was one of those that at the end it completely throws you and now I'm not sure if I still like it as much... but I do. But it twisted on me. And it turned way dark. I dislike that.

That's it... and life is just... whatever.

I Know

Here's another one... I think I wrote this one last week.

The only reason I say I think is cause I'm not sure it'll ever get sung anywhere... and if it's never sung, is it for real?? If a sermon is never preached, is it a sermon or a thought? If a song's never sung, is it a song?

But here's another melodic thought:

"I Know"

Well I’m looking down the avenue,
I don’t know what I want to do
With my life…

And I’m thinking bout the crazy stuff
Like bein smart and bein tough
In the public eye…

And I thought I had it all figured out…
I’d made the grade; I was in the crowd
But I fell short

And I realized as I cast my eyes
Upon the cross and it’s surprise
Of a risen Lord

And I don’t know what to do…
I don’t know where to go…
I don’t know who to trust all the time…

But I know You are faithful…
I know that You love me…
I know that I can trust You with my life.
I know that You died for me…
I know that You care for me…
I know I want to serve You, till I die.

I think I wrote a Song...

I've been trying to write a song forever... today, when I was up at the gorge praying and just sitting over the Columbia, words started... I think if I get to sing in church any time soon, I might try to get the courage up to sing this song I wrote...

Sitting Here.

D
Sitting Here,
G C D
Looking out over the river, the wind brings a tear
G C D
And I know you created me to be here
G C D
And I know that You’re willing to draw me near.

D A
I seek to know You
G D
To know You more and more and more I pray
A
I want Your presence
G A
To shine through me more everyday

Draw me, Lord
Draw me to Your side and protect me
Protect me from myself as I walk this weary road.
Protect me from the dark that seeks to steal my soul.

I seek to know You
To know You more and more I pray
I want Your presence
To shine through me more everyday

Protect me
Don’t baby me but grow me in Your way, Lord
Grow me as You’ve created me to be, Lord
Grow me to a reflection of You

I seek to know You
To know You more and more I pray
I want Your presence
To shine through me more everyday

Sitting Here,
Looking out over the river, the wind brings a tear
Knowing that you created me to be here
Knowing that You want to draw me near.

I Puked on Prom Night.

That's right, laugh away... but I was nervous for some reason. Some stuff in life's kind of daunting... for me, prom was one of those things. I don't really know why, but I puked the night before I went to boot camp, too. Again, don't know why... I was a little nervous, and had no clue what was in store for me, and up it came.

What's the hardest thing you've had to do?? When I was in boot camp, we had to do push ups until our arms gave out. Lifters know what this is: push until you hit muscle failure. (Nothing really difficult happened at prom except I tried to dance...)

When I played sports, we often had to run. Wrestling practice made us run up and down a flight of stairs in the basement of our school. We went till we could go no more.

School made me study. I hate reading intellectual books. For some reason, I love to read, and love to think, but to read some drab version of a living thought drives me nuts... but I have to if I want to pass the class. Sometimes in school, we'd reach a point in the semester where everything crashed together: 3 papers due in a week, plus a speech, plus a band performance, plus a date, plus all my classes, plus soccer practice, plus chapel, plus a test or two. Sometimes it got chaotically busy. But what do we expect, I mean, really, I didn't go over there to be coddled. I didn't go so that they'd tell me how great I was without forcing me to work to get better.

The same goes for boot camp: I didn't walk in, hoping they'd see that I was ready for the military and let me out of training for it. Nope, I knew walking in that they'd push me to become better in weak areas.

My mind went on this little jaunt this morning as I drove back from the gorge where I'd been reading, praying, and fasting. I stopped eating yesterday at lunch time, and will eat again tonight at dinner. As I was driving back in, I was thinking about how much I wanted some noodles or a burger or some greasy fries. I fought in my mine, justifying how I hadn't really committed to go till dinner, and how 24 hours is equally good... you know, 'I got some good praying in.'

But I'd planned to go till dinner.

If I bail, I fall prey to a myth so many of us buy into: that Christianity is somehow supposed to be easy. That somehow, it's supposed to be nicely presented, and neatly packaged so that I might easily swallow it whole. That somehow, while I acknowledge and embrace that hard work is needed for success in other areas, perhaps spirituality and my quest after God's heart is exempt from this principle.

It's not. You want to know God? Prepare to struggle. But also prepare for a life of wonder and exploration and discovery!! Prepare for times where it feels like you've been abandoned, and prepare for times when you can't believe how God worked on your behalf: how much He truly loves you.

Dichotomy

...is a cool word. So much packed in there. Negative undertones; lofty intellectual overtones. Confusion: half of you don't know what this word means... the other half rarely use it appropriately.

Actually, it can refer to the time of month when the moon is half-lit by the sun—a half-moon: that can be called dichotomy. Or, when a plant's branch splits into two new branches: that can be called dichotomy. But the most common use refers to two vastly differing views on a topic. For example: Coffee: Many people see coffee as the nectar of life; others see it as a drug people use to self-medicate. Haha... huge exaggerations, I know, but you get the idea, right?

So what happens when we have such diversity (dichotomy) in beliefs and neither is appropriate??

In doctrinal arguments, we all vehemently defend what we believe and why... but what if it's not right?? What if the only reason we take such a stance is that the "other side" has taken an opposing stance, and we just can't stand being near that position, so we pull away?? Or what if BOTH sides are right… in a way… sometimes??

For example: I've been thinking about how we preach and preach about how people are supposed to be "In the world, but not of it..." but we also rant and rave about not "surrounding ourselves" with inappropriate relationships--if a friend is pulling you down, sometimes we need to break that relationship. Wow!! Can both be true?? So, I really need to NOT sequester myself away and be a monk or a hermit; at the same time, I really need to NOT put myself in some situations!! There's this balance between needing to protect my spirituality and being open and relating to others. What's the solution?? I don't know. But somehow we need to seek a balance point: if you find yourself with ONLY Christian friends, you're probably in a bad place... But if you find yourself really struggling with spirituality, you're probably in a very different but equally bad place.

Here's another example: a life of service. Scripture teaches a concept about 'death to self.' This idea that somehow one of the basic teachings is that as long as we're focused on our own desires and needs, then we'll miss a portion of what God wants for us... somehow, part of it has to do with serving others--often to the point that it impacts our own life. CS Lewis says that if you aren't giving enough money that it begins to hurt your own situation: or if you aren't giving enough that you need to go 'without' something, you might not be giving enough.

So should a Christian be a doormat?? (One extreme) No!! But at the same time, one cannot expect to grow spiritually if one only serves AFTER caring for one's own needs. (Another extreme)

At some point in time other people need to come first. I'm a pastor, and all the time—at pastor conferences and by well meaning people, I get told to make sure I'm taking care of myself—and as true as that is, (there is a time to look out for myself) there's also a time to give everything I have to others. Too many people in this world are always looking out for #1, and serving others as long as their own needs are met first. At some point in time, service (if done honestly and out of obedience) will begin to impact our own lives.

I have this sneaking suspicion that at very few points in Christianity will we find that a point is ABSOLUTELY so. Especially, when dealing with the extras we've thrown in there to make it something we can grasp with ease... It isn't a simple thing: if it were, I have a feeling it would have been made up. (Another CS Lewis-ism). There are a few things, of course, that we can rest on fully: God is merciful, God is just (fair), God loves you and me, God created us (somehow... just how, I don't know or care), Jesus was real, Jesus lived and died and rose, I can be right with God because of the nature of God and because of the life of Jesus. I can be sure of these things... I'm sure there are more that I can rest on fully, but that's a start... the funny thing is, though, that most of us are really aggressive about things that have must be balanced out, and while most of us might admit that a balance point exists, far too many have failed to seek it out.

This is long, so I'll quit. :) And my car (which is being serviced right now...) is almost done.

Out

Community

I'm really lonely. I feel pathetic to admit that, but I am.

I hear all this talk about community, and it sounds so great, but it's so much work.

I'm tired of it.

dialogue

So I have no desire to be extra inflamatory with what I say... I really don't. I have no desire to accuse and somehow make it seem like I think I'm perfect and if only everyone else would just hear what I say, they might have a chance at that kind of perfection, too... that's not my intent.

Really, I want people to dig and dialogue. That's a stupid word out of intellectual circles. People in those circles use the word dialogue to describe the process of talking... :) They say, "let's dialogue about it" and sound really high and intelligent, when all they're really saying is let's talk about it. :) But honestly, I want people to talk in a way that is seeking. I hope for talk that is directed. I guess that's kind of how I see dialogue. Talking is just conversation--you might just be passing time, or discussing a shopping list or a birthday party. I see dialogue as talking with a point. Talking that's intended to get somewhere. Talking that shoots to evaluate and dig through an issue.

So I suppose the way I preach, the way I lead discussion, the way I teach... all are hopefully leading teens to dig deeper. Hopefully teens are challenged to be a bigger part of the grander discussions that have taken place thousands of times, and continue to take place as fledgling Christians the world over continue to seek after what it means to have 'relationship' with an almighty God. I desire not to give 'pat' answers, but to inspire questions that dig and seek after God!

Hypocrisy

I watch a lot of people say what they know we want to hear. At retreat, we asked those who had relationship with God to light a candle. We only requested that people be honest with themselves. Nothing bad was going to happen to those who didn't light--we tried to promise that, and maybe it's heard and believed, and maybe not; maybe they heard but have experienced the opposite so often in life they couldn't believe. But lots of people lit candles who aren't really ever trying to live anything close to something resembling Christianity (of course, what right do I have to define what that's supposed to look like... but there are some parameters, right?? Seeking after Truth, God, Righteousness; Love for others; Honesty; etc... I mean isn't it rather obvious when someone's actually trying!!)

Funny thing is, I come on here and read all kinds of people's bulletins. Day 1, they put something out that says something about their private parts and the parties they went to and how they want to bleep your blankety blank... Day 2, they put out one of those bulletins that talks about how if you are a 'real' Christian, you'll re-post this bulletin... cause 98% won't!! So we get guilted into it, convincing ourselves that posting that bulletin qualifies as 'taking a stand' for Christ.

It amazes me how the dichotomy and hypocrisy is so easy for us to maintain! We post the dualist remarks and walk in to youth group proud of how we're standing firm for God!

How I long for a group of people who live for God fully. Who cease to perform the 'minor' sins and seek to live fully for God. How I long for a people who don't have to be cajoled into worshipping God, but do so out of love and excitement for Him. How I long to be pushed and prodded by my peers who continually hold me to higher standards of righteousness as opposed to helping me feel OK about the ways I've justified and rationalized my life.

And why is it so bad to hope for this among teens? Teens who are constantly seeking something to give their life and energy to? Teens who so desperately seek a way to be unique and stake a claim in life for themselves? Teens who so often talk about being true to what you believe... Is this really what you believe? Examine the God you claim (really, if Christianity is the way so many of us live, this is your God): a God who doesn't mind that you talk dirty and think dirty and live in misleading ways. A God who accepts that you just won't be able to live at the standard He's placed in front of us. A God who doesn't seem to notice the things that we call 'minor' sins.

You see, what might seem 'minor' to me matters to God. God doesn't just call us to 'try'... well, yeah He does... but to try in a way that gives all of me! We all know when we play a sport whether or not we've given everything. We know when we practice our instruments whether or not we've practiced with everything we have. We know when we interact with our parents whether or not we're truly being respectful... and we know when we're actually trying to live for God and when we're trying to convince ourselves that half-effort is good enough.

It's time to stop living comfortable half-faith.

War

We have a new janitor at our church. His name is Joe, and he was in the army with me back in the day. We connected last week, and started catching up. I'd forgotten that my old unit had gone to Iraq with the first wave in. They spent time on the front lines, occasionally in front of the infantry and cavalry.

For those who don't know, the first soldier to die who came from Portland was Brandon Tobler, and he was from my unit up there in North Portland. Joe knew him. A number of guys died in that conflict.

I shared with Joe that I felt like I really wasn't a soldier cause I never got to go to battle. (When I was in, we came within two weeks of being called to Bosnia when for no apparent reason, they took a North Carolina Unit instead.) Joe said he'd felt the same until they went over. But he also talked about how it messed with them. He's in counseling now for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He said when they came home they did nothing but jump at every loud noise. They looked around every corner just in case, and reexamined every car on the side of a road because it might be booby-trapped.

I walked away envious, and a little thankful, and a little bit in awe. Why'd I get pushed out of the military?? Why did I get to escape that and Brandon Tobler didn't? I don't know it all, but that has played with my mind for a day or two.

Runner's Stitch

I'm sorry... I'm starting to get into writing again. When I lived overseas, I'd send an e-mail or two home each week to everyone on my mailing list letting them know how things were going. I got so much cool feedback from that... when I missed a normal posting, people would e-mail me to let me know they were hoping I'd hurry up and get it out... I loved that feedback. I love feedback in general.

I got to thinking about the excuses thing again. The other night, playing rugby for the first time in ages, as much as I enjoyed it, I was completely NOT ready to really work like that: running, hitting. I'm out of shape, and haven't hit in ages. So there were several times through the evening--primarily when we were running--that I started thinking: "I've been pretty lax with the working out lately... I think I can call it a night. No one will BLAME me!! They'll understand... then, next week, I'll be back and run harder." It was tempting, I got to tell you... I wanted to quit and go home for a while. It's HARD to run when you haven't for ages. But I knew it'd be over soon and I could push through.

I ran cross country in High School. I was no good at it; i only ran to be in shape for wrestling season (and I really wasn't any good at wrestling either... I knew all the moves, but I was skinny and weak). But I knew some of the in's and out's of running. At one meet, I came around a corner to find a guy walking, holding his side, obviously feeling the pain in the side we've all felt when we run hard. I slowed down and told him to keep running and it'd pass. He said wha...? So I told him again... It'll pass, just keep going!! A few minutes later, here comes this kid: he passed me and beat me--All cause I told him the pain would pass.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the excuses we make. I talked about how my excuses against relationships were weak but how so many of us use excuses like those with God. I've been thinking these last few days how so many of us are so desperate to be right with God. We start the journey, but too often, here comes that familiar pain in the side!! It starts to hurt a little... we start to be uncomfortable. And many of us convince ourselves that instead of running through, we need to "get used to it". So we quit and tell ourselves we'll start up another day. You know, as long as I ran, I still got those pains in the side from time to time.

And as long as I've been a Christian, it's gotten uncomfortable from time to time. 1st Corinthians 9 talks about running the race to win. That's how we should live! You want to win?? you don't quit at the first ache in the side.

Acceptance

When I was in the 8th grade, my family moved to Mexico. It was about then that my hair turned grey in a spot on the back of my head, but that's an entirely different story!! While we lived down there (some of the best years of my life, but the way!!) my dad kept his more-than-full-time job in LA. Occasionally, me, my brother, or my sister would come to LA for a week at a time with our dad, and just hang out. We did our home school lessons, and roamed the streets of LA, looking for fun!!

At some point during those years, I got the mistaken impression that I could play basketball... so I went down to the playgrounds downtown LA and waited for "next!!" When the time came, I jumped on the court, along with the local Kobe's and Shaq's, and played a version of "shooting guard". At least that's where they let me run.. and they even threw me the ball from time to time. It was heaven for a 14 year old teenager who weighed about as much as a juvenile golden retriever!! They passed me the ball, I shot and missed horribly... they passed it again!! and occasionally I'd connect the next pass, and they'd tell me I did great!! It was unbelievable how guys--who really could have played for lots of colleges--accepted me and let me play. They didn't care that I stunk, and they didn't care that they lost the game. It was more important that I got to play.

Tonight, having talked with Jackie about her rugby team for the last few weeks, I got enough of an urge that I went out and practiced with the Portland Pigs, the local semi-pro team!! Oh my goodness how I've missed rugby!! I've missed being pooped... I've missed hitting!! I've missed BEING hit!!

At the end of practice, we all got into a circle, and went around the circle and said our names. when they got to the 'new guys', they all yelled out "NEW GUY!!!" and everyone said 'good to have you' or 'welcome' or 'alright!!' and clapped... after practice, I asked where I could find some decent cleats in town, and a guy didn't even hesitate to point me to the closest joint that had good prices... Fascinating!! They didn't care if I knew how to play (I know this because the other two new guys tonight had never played before... and the veterans were STILL excited to have them!!).

I walked away feeling like part of the team (on day one!).

Why is it so easy for athletes to welcome, and so hard for Christians? Maybe it's not all Christians, and it's for sure not all athletes, but why aren't we excited when people check out Christianity like athletes are when other guys check out a new sport!!

It's a thought... I wish we'd be excited when people come in and check out God!! I wish we'd let them be BRAND new to it all!! I wish we'd be OK when they do the entirely WRONG thing, and in a friendly way, let them know it's no big deal, but this is how we do it.

What if instead of feeling like an intruder on a club event, every visitor to church felt like part of the team when they walked away after day one??

Homeless

I hung out tonight with some of the coolest people in our youth group. We went to Dairy Queen threw a dirty sock back and forth, and then some of us ended up going to Powell's Books... we had a blast... I dropped them off, and started to head home to chill and maybe play some X-Box... but first I had to stop at the church and pick up my computer and stuff. So I walked around the corner to open the door and turn off the alarm, and my evening started!

There was Patrick. I knew him not. We looked at each other, I'm thinking both of us a little unsure what to expect. He, perhaps knowing that he might be quickly asked to leave the property, and me never knowing what's really going on in that mind.

I always try to be as natural as possible in those situations (this is the third time I've walked around that corner to find a homeless guy standing--or sleeping--there). So I just said Hey... and he said it back.. and then he just started talking. He was Patrick, a street preacher. Are you a preacher, too... I said yeah... I work with the teens here. So we were kindred spirits from moment one.

The rub is this--and I hate it!! I stood with him (in a short-sleeved shirt) for close to an hour (of course he's still out there). We talked religion, church ethics, church praxis, discipleship, and evangelism. He challenged me to open a men's house and take guys into my house to disciple them. I really don't think he was hinting at taking him into my house... I think he was honestly espousing the best discipleship method he knew of, which was to live with people. I gave him a Bible, and he was in awe that I gave him a new one. I gave him tracts, cause he showed me his, and his supply was diminishing. I gave him respect cause he was homeless, and they get so little. I gave him some reheated pizza cause it's so nice to get warm food when you're cold. I gave him some loaves of bread for the road. He assured me he had a campsite across town, but I gave him a really old (but really thick) sleeping bag cause I knew it was just taking up space in our storage room upstairs, and I couldn't remember the last time we needed it. I told him when he made it back to his campsite on the west-side, give the bag to some other guy who could use it.

And I walked away wondering why I was uncomfortable letting him in the church. I talked with him, know his name, much of his past few months of life (jail, solitary, no tv, good hot meals, bum rap). I walked away wondering if my rationalization that you can never fully trust in those situations is true. I also walked away thinking how Jesus handled those situations. Many times, he simply did what He could and said go and sin no more!! Would it have looked the same on a cold NW night?

I walked away both knowing that I'd met with Jesus, and wondering if I was supposed to do more? Knowing that he was hungry, and I gave him food; he was cold, and I gave him a sleeping bag; he was tired... I could do nothing about that; he was lonely, and I talked with him and prayed with him for an hour; he was there, and I loved him... but DID I?

I'm not espousing a spirituality that regularly undermines our efforts. I do not believe it's healthy or righteous to put out a false humility. At the same time, however, it's important that we not decieve ourselves. Was I Patrick's neighbor?? I think so... was I the kind of neighbor I'd hope to find (if I'm ever cold, hungry, tired, just out of jail, and all that??)... I'm thinking not the one I'd hope to find, but what I'd--unfortunately--expect to find... and is that OK?

Expectations

I just kind of want to write. I enjoy writing. Sometimes I feel like I can say some reasonably important things when I just write, but other times, I write paragraph after paragraph only to delete it all and walk away without putting a word into the public arena.

But tonight, I'm sitting here unable to sleep. I actually DID fall asleep on the couch, and when I decided to stop fighting it, and went to my bed, put on some Harry Connick Jr, and curled up, of course, the sleep moment had passed, and I sat there alert and 'pensive' which is one of the moods you can select when you write these blogs--I dare you to pick it someday and just see who pokes fun at you... haha :)

We had retreat last weekend. I don't know that I've had a retreat as fun as this one. Not that past retreats haven't been fun, and there are some people who would have been fun to have around (Ian, Bobby, Jeff, Holly, Brandy, etc, etc...) But there was something cool about this weekend. It started Friday night when one guy who's a little newer to church 'culture' (curse that concept) said he was expecting a 'life-changing experience' this weekend. I'd asked kids to share (if they wanted) what they were hoping for as they came on this weekend. Kids talked about release, relaxation, fun, a word from God, clarification, peace, understanding, and then this guy throws out 'life-changing-experience' to which, one of our adorable girls (who I love dearly) says, 'no pressure, jeremy'.... haha... honestly I'd felt NONE!

How cool is it when people throw out expectations like that which are the expectations we SHOULD throw out when talking to and about God (huge)!! He threw it out, and I believe God brought it. That was Friday night... Saturday night, after our chapel-type session, This guy walked away with one of my guitars and wrote an unbelievable song.

We can throw out expectations, and when they're honest and in line with something God already wants to bring, what happens except that God brings it!

I think that's child-like faith (the New Testament talks about that... actually, it's Jesus). A faith that says bring it! A faith that says, 'I skipped some stuff to be here, because I believe you're going to get inside of me and make me different!!'

Faith

Honest question: How have I really stepped out in faith lately? Ever?

Seriously... my job is pretty laid back. I have a comfortable salary. I drive a car that doesn't break down (cause I can afford to... cause of the salary). I don't have to support family anywhere... life is pretty simple. And is it supposed to be like that??

I've been kind of getting pulled through a fire lately, and have been forced to start questioning: how have I stepped out??

And I've had to conclude that I haven't. I haven't put myself on the line for much of anything lately. And I feel like a dork for it.

Staying Single

I think I'm going to just wait to get married until I'm perfect. I mean let's face it, I'm kind of perfect right now, but I think I'll wait until I own a nice house, have all my debt paid off, have a PhD in something... and the dream job (this one's pretty stinking close). Cause seriously, why walk into something when I'm not quite ready... why should I commit to something like marriage when I'm not prepared for it?? So I think I'll wait. I think I'll just get everything nailed down first, and then worry about a spouse.

Seriously, that's what it feels like when people tell me they "just aren't ready" to begin to know God. They tell me they need to figure some things out first, or live first, or experience the other side first... it feels like people are saying what I just said up above. To wait until everything's perfectly nailed down or until you understand everything perfectly isn't going to happen. You'll never get there. If I were to wait until I had everything perfectly figured out to get married, it'd never happen... As soon as I crossed one marker, another'd pop up down the road a ways, and I'd be single until the day I died. Which just might happen, but God forbid it happens because I'm foolish about it. I'm comfortable being single; but I'm not comfortable being foolish about it.

And I'm not comfortable with people using foolish excuses when they consider God. Think about your life... where are you with God?? Have you used this excuse??